An Interview with Bill Eddy: Calming Upset People with EAR Ongoing Blog Series Part 1
In this ongoing series of blogs over the next 4 weeks, Bill Eddy discusses his newly published book Calming Upset People with EAR and how this approach to communication can change a high-stress situation in minutes.
1. What does “EAR” stand for and why did you develop it?
EAR stands for Empathy, Attention and Respect. In working on high conflict disputes in families, the workplace, and legal cases, I realized that people were constantly upset and needed help calming down. I specifically developed the technique we call “EAR Statements” as described in the book, as a quick and easy way of calming people who were in an increasingly intense conflict. It is especially useful with people who are stuck in high conflict and can’t get themselves out of it. After one or two or three EAR Statements, most (probably more than 90%) calm down at least enough to start working on solving problems instead of just blaming each other.
2. How can we avoid “catching” other peoples’ strong emotions?
Emotions are contagious. Our brains are designed this way to help us work together or save our lives through group action in dangerous situations. Upset emotions are particularly contagious, because they tell us there is an urgent problem that needs to grab our attention. Emotions activate several parts of the brain, including the amygdala, which is particularly sensitive to upset emotions. If someone is anxious or afraid or angry, the amygdala tells us to get ready for fight, flight or freeze. It can happen in less than a tenth of a second. The more anxious a person is, the more likely they are to catch other people’s strong emotions.
Another aspect of the brain is our mirror neurons, which tell us to imitate the behavior that we see other people doing. This can be positive or negative. For example, if you see a group of people running away from the ocean (probably to avoid a tidal wave), there’s no time to waste thinking about it. Your body just immediately starts running before you have time to really analyze the situation. Likewise, with strong emotions, if someone nearby is angry, it’s very likely that you will get angry too—either at the same target of anger or at the person who is angry. This is the nature of mob behavior, which may be totally emotional and people join in without any knowledge of what the issues are that are driving the mob.
To avoid catching others’ emotions takes some training, which we do with High Conflict Institute. We teach people to focus on giving an upset person an EAR Statement, rather than reacting with the same emotions. We also teach people to give themselves EAR Statements to help them manage their own emotions and avoid getting “hooked” emotionally. For example, you can tell yourself “It’s not about me,” when someone calls you names or yells in your face in a way that’s totally inappropriate.
By regularly reminding yourself that such behavior is “Not about me,” you can maintain calm and avoid getting “emotionally hooked.” With High Conflict Institute trainings, we give people practice exercises with someone being upset and angry, and the other person responding as calmly as possible with an EAR Statement. It takes practice and no one becomes perfect at this, as its still hard-wired to some extent in our brains. But people do get better and better at this. And it can be positive emotional contagion, such as when you give someone else and EAR Statement and it helps them feel better.
Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. is the co-founder and Chief Innovation Officer of the High Conflict Institute in San Diego, California. He pioneered the High Conflict Personality Theory (HCP) and has become an expert on managing disputes involving people with high conflict personalities. He was the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center for 15 years, a Certified Family Law Specialist lawyer representing clients in family court for 15 years, and a licensed clinical social worker therapist with twelve years’ experience.
