Navigating Blamespeak: Understanding and Responding to High-Conflict Communications in Law
By Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. and Rehana jamal, jd
In today's interconnected world, where communication happens at the speed of light, encountering blamespeak has become an unfortunate reality for many, particularly in professions like law. Blamespeak, a term we coined in 2010, refers to the language of blame that pervades our culture, manifesting in emails, texts, and letters laden with accusations, attacks, and disproportionate blame.
Blamespeak
Blamespeak is not a reflection of your actions; rather, it exposes the lack of problem-solving skills of the speaker. Understanding blamespeak is crucial, especially when dealing with individuals exhibiting high-conflict personalities (HCPs). These personalities, often characterized by a preoccupation with blaming others, all-or-nothing thinking, intense emotions, and extreme behavior or threats, contribute to the proliferation of blamespeak.
Recognizing Blamespeak
Recognizing blamespeak is essential because it can easily trigger a defensive response, shutting down rational thinking and provoking a "fight, flight, or freeze" reaction. The emotional intensity, personal nature, lack of responsibility on the part of the blamespeaker, and the tendency to share blamespeak with others make it a potent tool to manipulate and control.
New lawyers and employees, in particular, may find themselves succumbing to blamespeak, feeling compelled to react immediately. The BIFF Response®, a method introduced to counter blamespeak, encourages individuals to pause and choose an effective response. BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm – a strategy to maintain composure and focus on solutions.
The Four Fuhgeddaboudits
High-conflict personalities are often associated with certain personality disorders, such as those in Cluster B (narcissistic, antisocial, borderline, and histrionic). Recognizing these traits in others is essential, but labeling them is counterproductive. The Four Fuhgeddaboudits offer practical advice on adapting communication strategies when dealing with HCPs, emphasizing a focus on the present and future, avoiding attempts to provide insight, and steering clear of emotional discussions.
Negative Advocates
Negotiating through legal cases involving high-conflict individuals also requires vigilance against negative advocates – individuals who advocate without a thorough understanding of the facts. Lawyers and therapists are particularly susceptible to becoming negative advocates, making it crucial to establish boundaries.
We’ve written a book, BIFF for Lawyers and Law Offices, specifically to help lawyers and others in law offices, and even court staff, to help them learn to use a BIFF Response® in their written communications.
Conclusion
In conclusion, understanding blamespeak and high-conflict personalities is pivotal in navigating the complex landscape of interpersonal communication, especially in the legal profession. Responding strategically, without succumbing to emotional traps, can be the key to diffusing conflicts and maintaining a professional, solution-oriented approach. It's a challenging task, but by recognizing these patterns and adopting appropriate responses, individuals can retain control over the narrative and mitigate the impact of blamespeak in their personal and professional lives.
BILL EDDY is a lawyer, therapist, mediator, and the co-founder and training director of the High Conflict Institute. He was The Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center for 15 years, a Certified Family Law Specialist lawyer representing clients in family court for 15 years, and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker therapist with twelve years of experience. Currently he serves on the faculty of the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at the Pepperdine University School of Law in California and is a Conjoint Associate Professor with the University of Newcastle Law School in Australia. He has been a speaker and trainer in over 30 U.S. states and 10 countries. He is the author or co-author of sixteen books and has a popular blog on the Psychology Today website with over 5 million views. Bill lives in San Diego, California with his wife.
REHANA JAMAL is a conflict resolution specialist, mediator, and lawyer. Rehana holds an LL.M. in dispute resolution from Pepperdine Law School, a J.D. from Cardozo School of Law, and is a member of the New York State Bar. Her B.A. is in psychology from Barnard College, Columbia University. She has tremendous experience and passion working with people from different cultural, sociopolitical, and economic backgrounds from her experience living abroad in Ecuador, Colombia, Kenya, and Spain. She is an avid traveler. She has always been fascinated by the way in which people interact, particularly in the way they communicate and navigate difficult conversations, which led her to pursue an undergraduate degree in psychology and, thereafter, a career in law and conflict resolution.
