Who Needs Emotions?
©️2021 Andrew Seubert
“Many of us are handicapped without knowing it. We enter the race to go the distance only to realize that we’ve left one of our legs at the starting line.”
Excerpt from The Courage to Feel
Competent and Honest with Feelings
It’s been for more than 40 years that I’ve seen clients in my role as psychotherapist. Regardless of the presenting problem, from marital conflict to severe, cult abuse, the universally, common roadblock to progress was the inability to recognize, value and deal with emotions (I will use “emotions” and “feelings” interchangeably). Becoming competent and honest with their feelings was a game changer for most.
This difficulty crosses all genders and races. Men for the most part are shamed into feeling very little other than glad and mad. Men don’t cry. Women are shamed into never feeling anger, yet it’s okay for them to cry. This problem exists in all sorts of relationships, including those at work and between ethnic groups and nations.
In addition to cultural and ethnic biases against having feelings, there is often the lack of any understanding as to why they exist in the first place. If we don’t understand the “why” of emotions, then it will be an uphill battle to embrace and value them, particularly when our familial and cultural atmosphere devalues them.
So here they are, three powerful reasons to value and become competent with respect to our feelings. The first is that our feelings act as a radar, letting us know that things are okay or not, safe or not, pleasing or not, and they let us know through body sensations. Take anger as an example. When I experience anger, I can feel it in my face, my breathing and heart rate, and in my tense muscles. If I can allow myself to be aware of this happening, I can then check out the situation to see if someone has actually harmed or violated me or not. Anger, in this case, keeps me from becoming a doormat that every and anyone can step on. Sadness lets me know that I may have lost someone or something, guilt that I may have harmed or violated someone else.
Without these emotional radar signals, we are flying blindly, not knowing if or when we must change our relational or work course. Are these signals always accurate? No, but they are doing their job. They are telling us to check things out and to pay attention to any false perceptions or assumptions that might be unnecessarily triggering an emotion.
Emotions Motivate Us
A second reason for having emotions is that they motivate us. Without anger or fear, our capacity to survive physically and psychologically is severely hampered. Without joy and excitement, we would never be motivated towards our goals and future visions. There would be no interpersonal attractions. Feelings are embodied, emotional energy that get us going. This is why depression is so life-depleting, because it places a muffler on the feelings that charge us up into action.
Emotions Connect Us
Finally, emotions connect us. We humans are wired for connection, and it is emotional honesty and vulnerability that makes that connection happen. Two people can share thoughts and ideas; the same can take place in groups. However, when those two people or just one member of a group deepens the conversation by expressing a feeling, the conversation and thus the connection deepen. Herein lies the weak foundation of many marriages: there is no emotional intimacy, no willingness to be emotionally open and vulnerable. So many hide behind the protective strategy of never revealing feelings, but that strategy becomes a wall that can only be surmounted by the courage to feel and to reveal one’s unarguable truth.
We were born with this emotional radar, an energy boosting and connecting system for good reasons. Commit yourself to being emotionally competent and honest, and, in doing so, change your life and your relationships.
Read more in The Courage to Feel
A Practical Guide to the Power and Freedom of Emotional Honesty
Andrew Seubert, LMHC, NCC
