An Interview with Bill Eddy: Calming Upset People with EAR Ongoing Blog Series Part 2

In this ongoing series of blogs over the next 4 weeks, Bill Eddy discusses his newly published book Calming Upset People with EAR and how this approach to communication can change a high-stress situation in minutes.

3.     How are EAR statements different from the reflective/active listening that counselors often use?

Reflective listening and active listening are great tools and everyone should learn to do them. But they focus on only reflecting back what one has heard, including the content and emotions. Counselors help their clients become more self-aware by using reflective listening or active listening.

But EAR Statements in daily life are designed to give a little bit more of yourself by making a statement that gives the other person your empathy, your attention and your respect. EAR Statements were originally designed for situations in which someone is dealing with high conflict people, who are generally more intensely upset than the average person. So we developed EAR Statements to do more than just reflecting back what someone is saying and feeling.

For example, a reflective listening statement might be “I hear that you are aware that I arrived late and you are angry about that.” An EAR Statement might be “I hear that you are aware that I arrived late and you are angry about that. I have a lot of empathy for the awkward position I put you in.” Or: “I”ll pay attention to your concerns; tell me more.” Or: “I hear your frustrations about his problem and I have a lot of respect for your efforts to solve it.” These statements all show more than reciting what you have heard. They show an investment in the other person by giving empathy, attention, and/or respect.

4.     How can EAR statements transform contentious relationships?

In making an EAR Statement, a person needs to listen to what the other is saying and find something that they can show empathy for, listen to more, or show respect for. This focus on connecting with a positive intent immediately reduces a contentious relationship from the point of view of the person giving the EAR Statement. But since emotions are contagious, their EAR Statement often is very pleasing for the other person to hear and it reduces their anger or defensiveness, so that they may feel neutral or positive toward the person who gave them an EAR Statement. It may seem complicated, but its really about each person shifting themselves into a positive state of mind rather than staying in a negative state of mind, regardless of how negative the other person may be.

Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. is the co-founder and Chief Innovation Officer of the High Conflict Institute in San Diego, California. He pioneered the High Conflict Personality Theory (HCP) and has become an expert on managing disputes involving people with high conflict personalities. He was the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center for 15 years, a Certified Family Law Specialist lawyer representing clients in family court for 15 years, and a licensed clinical social worker therapist with twelve years’ experience.