Co-parent Communication
Is your communication helping or hurting your co-parenting dynamic?
© 2024 Annette T. Burns and Nicole Siqueiros-Stoutner
Based on our combined 60+ years’ experience as family law attorneys, we wrote Co-parenting by Design to help parents who want to co-parent better and how to build or change a parenting plan. Whether you need to build better boundaries, improve communication, or understand the impact of conflict or uninformed decisions on children, we’ve tried to put it all in this book. ONE PLACE for co-parenting help.
The Impact of Communication on Co-Parenting Dynamics
The manner in which parents communicate—or fail to communicate—with each other can significantly influence the effectiveness of co-parenting. Ineffective communication often stems from personal feelings and lingering bitterness, which can taint interactions and decision-making processes. For instance, some co-parents might behave as if they are the sole decision-maker for their child, excluding the other parent from important discussions or updates. This can lead to situations where one parent is unaware of critical information, such as medical appointments or educational decisions, which undermines the collaborative nature essential for successful co-parenting.
Challenges with Lack of Collaboration
A common issue arises when one parent schedules important events or makes decisions without involving the other parent. For example, if a parent arranges a doctor's appointment but does not inform the other parent, it creates a gap in communication that can result in misunderstandings or missed opportunities for the child. Similarly, withholding contact information from medical or psychological providers can leave one parent in the dark about the child's health, exacerbating feelings of exclusion and frustration. This lack of collaboration not only affects the co-parents’ relationship but can also have direct negative consequences for the child’s well-being.
Ineffective Communication Patterns
Even when co-parents communicate regularly, their interactions can be fraught with issues. Ineffective communication often includes an excessive number of emails, use of catastrophizing language, and personal attacks. For instance, terms like “always” or “never” can escalate conflicts rather than resolve them. Similarly, bringing up past grievances or using inappropriate language undermines the ability to have productive discussions. When communication becomes a venue for blame, criticism, or irrelevant topics, it detracts from the goal of making decisions in the best interest of the child.
Strategies for Effective Co-Parenting Communication
To improve co-parenting dynamics, it’s essential for parents to establish clear boundaries and rules for communication. Setting up a structured approach, such as using a dedicated platform for co-parenting information and agreeing on a businesslike tone, can enhance effectiveness. This includes promptly sharing relevant information and making decisions collaboratively. By focusing on constructive and respectful communication, co-parents can better manage their interactions and ensure that their child's needs are met. Effective communication not only fosters a more cooperative co-parenting relationship but also provides a stable environment for the child’s growth and development.
The authors’ book, Co-parenting by Design: The Definitive Guide for Divorced or Separated Parents publishes in November 2024.
Annette Burns
ANNETTE BURNS, JD is an attorney and a certified Family Law Specialist and Parenting Coordinator, practicing in Arizona. She is a past president of the international interdisciplinary organization, the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts (AFCC), a nonprofit organization of over 5000 international family law related professionals. She has been a Fellow of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML), a national organization composed of the nation's top attorneys since 2001. She has been named a SuperLawyer every year from 2007-2020 and one of Superlawyers' Arizona's Top Female Attorneys in 2013, 2014 and 2019. She is the co-author of BIFF for Co-Parent Communication with high-conflict expert Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. and co-parenting expert, Kevin Chafin, LPC. Her private practice in Arizona focuses on family law. Annette lives in Scottsdale, Arizona.
Nicole Siqueiros-Stoutner
NICOLE SIQUEIROS-STOUTNER, JD, is a family law attorney, mediator, and court-appointed Parenting Coordinator. She previously worked with Child Protective Services and a domestic violence shelter before transitioning to legal practice. After managing a non-profit organization's legal department, Nicole immersed herself in family law as an associate attorney and later as a partner in a Phoenix, Arizona firm. As a judge pro tem and trained Parenting Coordinator, Nicole serves the legal community by facilitating Alternative Dispute Resolution conferences and conducting private mediations. She is an effective advocate for clients after her tenure as a judicial officer in the Maricopa County Superior Court and a participant on the Maricopa County Superior Court Mental Health Roster. She is an award-winning jurist with experience teaching family law courses at local institutions.