Obstacles to Co-parenting
Is there such a thing as “good enough” co-parenting?
© 2024 Annette T. Burns and Nicole Siqueiros-Stoutner
Based on our combined 60+ years of experience as family law attorneys, we wrote Co-parenting by Design to help parents who want to co-parent better and how to build or change a parenting plan. Whether you need to build better boundaries, improve communication, or understand the impact of conflict or uninformed decisions on children, we’ve tried to put it all in this book. ONE PLACE for co-parenting help.
Understanding “Good Enough” Co-Parenting
The notion of “ideal” co-parenting suggests that parents should seamlessly resolve disputes, work collaboratively, and maintain a supportive and communicative relationship. However, this ideal is rarely achieved in reality. Many co-parents function well without adhering to a perfect model. Instead of constant cooperation and flexibility, co-parents often navigate a more practical dynamic. They may not communicate daily or follow the parenting plan precisely but still manage to provide a loving and stable environment for their child. The key is that, despite imperfections, their children can thrive and be just as happy and healthy as those in more harmonious co-parenting situations.
Embracing and Accepting Differences
A common challenge in co-parenting is accepting that both parents may not meet each other's expectations of parenting standards. Courts typically regard both parents as "fit" if they are granted joint custody or decision-making authority, even if one parent’s style seems different or less ideal to the other. This legal determination indicates that both parents are capable of fulfilling their roles. It’s essential for co-parents to understand that differing parenting styles are normal and acceptable. Trying to “fix” or change the other parent’s approach can be counterproductive. Instead, accepting and respecting each parent’s unique methods can lead to a more harmonious co-parenting experience.
The Value of Diverse Parenting Styles
Diverse parenting approaches contribute positively to a child's development. Each parent brings their own experiences, values, and personality to their parenting style, which enriches the child's life. For example, while one parent might have a more structured approach to chores, the other might be more relaxed. This variety helps children adapt to different environments and learn a range of skills. Embracing these differences rather than resisting them allows children to develop a broader perspective, adaptability, and empathy. Exposure to multiple parenting styles provides them with a versatile toolkit for handling various life situations.
Moving Beyond Competition
Co-parents should avoid treating parenting as a competition. Striving to outdo each other or seeking to win a child’s affection can create unnecessary tension and detract from effective co-parenting. It’s crucial to support each other's parenting efforts and focus on what’s best for the child rather than comparing or competing. Allowing each parent to raise their child according to their own style fosters a more cooperative and respectful co-parenting relationship. By letting go of competition, parents can provide a more balanced and supportive environment for their children, ultimately leading to better outcomes for their well-being and development.
The authors’ book, Co-parenting by Design: The Definitive Guide for Divorced or Separated Parents publishes in November 2024.
Annette Burns
ANNETTE BURNS, JD is an attorney and a certified Family Law Specialist and Parenting Coordinator, practicing in Arizona. She is a past president of the international interdisciplinary organization, the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts (AFCC), a nonprofit organization of over 5000 international family law related professionals. She has been a Fellow of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML), a national organization composed of the nation's top attorneys since 2001. She has been named a SuperLawyer every year from 2007-2020 and one of Superlawyers' Arizona's Top Female Attorneys in 2013, 2014 and 2019. She is the co-author of BIFF for Co-Parent Communication with high-conflict expert Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. and co-parenting expert, Kevin Chafin, LPC. Her private practice in Arizona focuses on family law. Annette lives in Scottsdale, Arizona.
Nicole Siqueiros-Stoutner
NICOLE SIQUEIROS-STOUTNER, JD, is a family law attorney, mediator, and court-appointed Parenting Coordinator. She previously worked with Child Protective Services and a domestic violence shelter before transitioning to legal practice. After managing a non-profit organization's legal department, Nicole immersed herself in family law as an associate attorney and later as a partner in a Phoenix, Arizona firm. As a judge pro tem and trained Parenting Coordinator, Nicole serves the legal community by facilitating Alternative Dispute Resolution conferences and conducting private mediations. She is an effective advocate for clients after her tenure as a judicial officer in the Maricopa County Superior Court and a participant on the Maricopa County Superior Court Mental Health Roster. She is an award-winning jurist with experience teaching family law courses at local institutions.