How Much Anxiety is Too Much?
©2020 Dr. Benjamin Garber
We all have some. Anxiety is the low-level, background tension that interrupts sleep at the smell of smoke or the sound of a baby crying. It’s the almost-unnoticed pressure that sparks a yelp! when something startles you. It’s the fuel that keeps you alert and the lightning bolt supercharge that creates fight-or-flight reactions.
Fortunately, for most of us -most of the time- anxiety is the perfect pet. Picture a young and strong retriever or Labrador, except this one never sheds or digs in the yard or leaves presents on the lawn. He’s always with you and never needs to be fed or groomed or taken to the vet. This puppy -let’s call him Fido—is constantly alert to your needs and to your surroundings. When you’re safe and healthy, calm and relaxed, Fido cuddles up next to you, furry and soft. When a threat approaches, Fido jumps to attention, teeth bared and barking.
But for some of us,
Fido over-reacts.
He’s up and ready to pounce at the prospect of going to sleep in a safe and familiar bed. He’s growling as the school bus rolls into view. He’s on red alert when the teacher calls your name in class, when a friend touches your stuff, when germs threaten illness or death, when mom goes shopping, when its time to switch to the other parent’s home, or even simply when the pencil isn’t exactly aligned with the edge of the desk.
Before we assume that Fido is over-reacting, check it out. It’s possible that going to sleep or riding the school bus or playing with friends or contact with germs pose real and actual threats in some unique and scary situations. An abusive adult makes bedtime terrifying. A bully makes the school bus ride painful. A “friend” is stealing or doing drugs or experimenting with sex. Germs that no one else would think twice about are dangerous to someone with an auto-immune disease. In these circumstances, thank Fido for doing his job so well by heeding his warning. Get safe.
But when Fido growls and barks, tail down, teeth bared, without reason -when anxiety skyrockets to become panic without real danger- there’s a problem. That’s when anxiety is too much.
Fido needs to be retrained.
Making anxiety into something separate but as familiar and workable as a pet helps lots of children to better understand and manage their lives. (The ironic exception, of course, is when anxiety is about dogs in the first place. Try using a thermostat metaphor, instead. But that’s another article.)
How do we retrain Fido? Like any dog, he can learn to respond to voice commands. Kids can teach their anxiety to “sit” and “lay down” and “quiet” using words at first out loud, and later silently in their heads.This is called cognitive-behavioral therapy.
The first step is to recognize anxiety. Don’t laugh. Many people don’t know when they’re anxious. Children have to be taught what anxiety is and reassured that its normal and necessary and -like a puppy- has to be trained.
Everyone’s anxiety is different. What do your pet’s growls and barks sound like or look like? Fido might sound to your son like a ringing or buzzing in his ears. Your daughter might feel Fido’s growls in the tension across her forehead, between her shoulders, or in her belly. That growing, growling and unnecessary anxiety might feel like hot or cold sweats, difficulty swallowing, or an urgent bathroom need. It might look from the outside like fidgetiness and distractibility (far too often mistaken for ADD or ADHD), like a twitching eye or a vocal stutter or difficulty making eye contact or speaking up.
“Okay,” your daughter says to you after some thought. “I get it that that butterflies-in-my-tummy feeling is anxiety. It feels different than hungry and gotta-poop. That’s Fido barking.”
Now look around. Where’s the real danger? If there’s a saber tooth tiger about to pounce, anxiety is good. Fido is doing his job. That feeling in your belly says “Run! Fast! Predator!”
But if there’s no danger, tell Fido to settle down. Really: Use words out loud. Talk to your anxiety-dog: “Sit.” “Settle.” “Good boy.” “Quiet.” And with those words, imagine the dog lowering to his haunches to sit. Wagging his tail, at first a little and then a lot. The barking-growling-rumbling noises slow and then stop. He turns his head to look at you. Maybe he licks your hand. “Good boy. Good quiet.” Deep breath in. Release it long and slowly as you pat the dog. Calm. Let the butterflies disappear and the tummy settle down.
“Good boy, Fido.”
Fido’s always there. That’s reassuring. He’s the perfect watchdog. Its okay to go to sleep or get on the bus or play with friends or let mommy go to the store or transition to your other home, because Fido never sleeps. He’s always looking out for you. And who’s in charge of Fido? Who’s holding the leash? Who taught him to “sit” and “settle” and “quiet”? Only you. You are this dog’s loving and able master, not the other way around.
Parenting Pointer
Cognitive behavioral therapies like this -treating anxiety like a puppy that needs to be trained- are always among our best answers to a child’s emotional struggles, but for some are not enough.
When anxiety is persistent and severe and gets in the way of living, especially when its experienced as physical symptoms like tummy aches or headaches, start by checking with the pediatrician. Don’t fuel the anxiety by becoming anxious yourself. Don’t ask (in front of your child, at least) about horrible, scary possibilities. Just make sure that there’s no underlying physical cause.
Even when there’s no underlying physical cause, some anxiety is so big or so severe or so resistant to change, that medication should be considered. The pediatrician might help here, but often better to check with a psychiatrist or an advanced registered nurse practitioner (ARNP).
Your anxiety is contagious. Your child is unlikely to be able to calm if you’re always on edge. Take care of you first: Exercise. Stop drinking and drugging and smoking. Get therapy and tame your own Fido. The trickle down benefits to your kids may be enough.
In the end, the reality is that our world is very scary. There is a lot to genuinely be anxious about. Make cautious, well-informed decisions. Be safe and teach your kids how to keep themselves safe. Have fun.
Benjamin Garber, PHD, author of Holding Tight/Letting Go, Roadmap to the Parenting Plan Worksheet and other titles, is a licensed psychologist, a former Guardian ad litem and a Parenting Coordinator. He is a nationally renowned speaker, researcher and an award-winning freelance journalist, and speaks in the U.S. and abroad on family law and healthy coparenting. Ben Garber is the author of numerous articles and several books, including:
