Self-Care is Key When Managing Anxiety in the Family
©2020 Dr. Ben Garber
Everyone has anxiety. It’s the pressure that fills the balloon. It’s the tension that keeps us alert and reactive, aware and engaged. But like the air that fills that balloon, anxiety can become too much, the pressure too high, to the point that all it takes is a pin-prick to explode.
Of course, you know this already. You’ve been there, done that at one time or another. You sleep through your alarm, miss your morning coffee, get a speeding ticket on your way to work, yelled at by the boss and when you finally do get that coffee, you spill it down the front of your shirt. Each event in succession adds pressure. The balloon becomes bigger and bigger until finally your partner or your son or your daughter looks at you wrong and you explode.
Your kids go through the same thing. A fight over the breakfast table (“she took the last waffle!”) and an upset on the bus (“He called me a name!”) and sitting at the wrong table in the school cafeteria add up like so many breaths in a balloon until BOOM! Temper tantrum at the dinner table, over homework or at bedtime. A meltdown far greater than the events that seemed to cause it. All you did was ask him to brush his teeth and all hell breaks loose. Latter you might have time to wonder, “where did that come from?” Here and now, in the moment, you have to help him let the air out of the balloon.
How?
Rule number one:
As anxiety increases, clear thinking and mature functioning decrease. Think of your son or daughter the way that you think of a bucket: the more water you pour into it, the less room remains. When there’s just a drop of anxiety in the bottom, there’s lots of room for learning and growing, controlling impulses and delaying gratification. When there’s only a drop of anxiety in the bottom, your kids are far more likely to be polite and respectful, to make healthy choices and work for your approval.
Rule number two:
Our world is quickly becoming a more and more anxious place. Maybe instant, constant access to events all over the planet is part of the problem. Maybe crazier and scarier events are occurring ore and more often. Whichever is the case, humanity’s baseline anxiety is growing. Even the calmest, most centered and mindful amongst us wakes up with far more than a drip in the bottom of that bucket; far more than a puff of air in that balloon.
Terror and trauma abound.
Natural and geopolitical disasters erupt more often, closer and closer to home. We used to quell our anxiety with ideas like, “that could never happen here” or “that would never happen to me.” Now we say a prayer, cross our fingers, lock our doors and think, “there but for the grace of god go I.”
Of course, you try to insulate your kids from the frank reality of the world. Of course, you reassure them that you’ll always do everything that you can to make sure they are safe (never making promises like, “that can’t happen to us!” that you can’t keep). But the internet and FaceBook and smart phones inevitably break through.
Hurricanes? Bombings? Plane crashes? School shootings? Overdoses? Addiction and bankruptcy and infrastructure failure, superstorms and climate change, carcinogens and toxins. No one’s balloon is empty anymore. Your kids or your own. We’re all on edge.
Rule number three:
You are both a model and an anchor. How you manage your anxiety matters. Your kids are watching even when they seem to be obsessed with a screen. Your kids are listening even when they’re wearing earbuds. Even when the Beats headphones are blaring music across the room. They are watching and they are listening and they will copy you.
If you escape into drugs or drink, expect you kids to do the same. If you let your balloon explode or your bucket overflow in rage, expect your kids to do the same. If you are crippled by terror, anxiety-ridden and panicky, guess what? Your kids will do the same.
The airlines have it right: In case of emergency, take care of yourself first. Its only when you are healthy and whole that you can be there to take care of yours kids. Find healthy ways to vent your balloon. Exercise. Therapy. Prayer. Even medication. But most importantly, talk it through. Show your kids by your example that you are aware of your anxiety (“I’m feeling a little stressed right now”) and that you can manage it (“can you let me take five? Then I can help you with your homework”).
Its only then—calm and clear-headed—that you can be the emotional anchor that your kids need. The anchor is the thing that keeps the boat from floating away. It’s the center point around which a vessel drifts until, reaching the end of its rope, it returns to center. When your kids know that they are anchored, they are reassured. Their anxiety becomes more manageable.
Parenting pointer
Anxiety is a problem when it gets in the way of healthy functioning and happiness. When a child’s anxiety becomes so big and so constant that getting on the school bus is terrifying, when fears and phobias interfere with eating, sleeping, health or friendships, when panic erupts or obsessions cripple or compulsions isolate, its time to ask for help.
If you’re concerned about yourself, your parenting partner, an adult friend or family member, start with your physician. Ask for a referral for therapy or a medication consultation. Cognitive behavioral therapies (CBT) can be very effective ways of letting the air out of the balloon. Even if you don’t want to do it for yourself, do it for your kids.
And if your concern is about your child? Start with the school guidance counselor and the pediatrician. Get as many perspectives on the child’s functioning across settings (school, playground, friends, home) as possible. Some anxieties are specific to a place. Others can be specific to a social context (peer group, family, authority figures). If therapy or medication seem appropriate, do the research: look into which providers are available and take the time to learn about them -call or email with questions, even schedule an initial interview- before alerting the child.
Safety first! In those instances when anxiety becomes overwhelming, when the balloon is constantly exploding and the bucket overflowing, some people can become self-destructive. Cutting, burning, hitting themselves. Run-away risk. Substance abusing. Suicidal. Make safety your priority always. If you fear for someone’s safety, dial 9-1-1 or go to the local hospital emergency room immediately. It will always be better to err on the side of safety than to under-react and be left with a tragedy.
Benjamin Garber, PHD, author of Holding Tight/Letting Go, Roadmap to the Parenting Plan Worksheet and other titles, is a licensed psychologist, a former Guardian ad litem and a Parenting Coordinator. He is a nationally renowned speaker, researcher and an award-winning freelance journalist, and speaks in the U.S. and abroad on family law and healthy coparenting. Ben Garber is the author of numerous articles and several books, including:
